When you were a pre-teen or early teenager, your parents probably had "the talk" with you regarding boys and girls and love and marriage and etc. Now, it may be your turn to have a different talk with your parents.
Our parents care for us and help shape us as we go from birth to school to marriage. They are integral to who we are. So as they reach the age that they may not be able to take care of themselves, and it may be too much for you to personally take care of them, you may need to consider a better lifestyle for all of you. A lot of families struggle with the decision to place a loved one into assisted living, but the hardest part is often talking to Mom or Dad about how much it would help them have a quality life now that they are older. Here are some tips on how to approach "the talk" with your parents.
The biggest tip is to not avoid the topic. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for everyone. Communication is key in all relationships, and you need to continue to maintain that open line of communication with your parents. Maybe you aren't to the point that your parents would need assisted living, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. Let Mom and Dad know how much you love them, and even though they are still living life to the fullest, if there were ever a time they would need additional assistance, you want to make sure you know their wants and needs.
It is also important to know what options you have for your loved one. If you remain in communication with them or their health provider, you will know if you need an independent living community, assisted living community, or skilled nursing facility. You also need to be aware of the financial situation so you can plan accordingly. If your parents previously purchased long-term care insurance, they should be covered quite comfortably. If they are relying on Medicaid or other government assistance, the family may need to pitch in to help cover expenses. Plus the expenses differ depending on the need. Make sure to educate yourself on all of these points.
Always keep your loved one "in the loop." If Mom or Dad are involved in the decision making process, it will be an easier transition because they will not feel as if you are trying to control them. They may already feel like you are trying to get them out of the house or shut them away somewhere and they will never see you. To ease their minds, it needs to be a team effort. We have a lot of families that come to tour our community with their loved one. This has proven to be very beneficial for all. Not only can the loved one see the community, but the child or caregiver can get some peace of mind by seeing the comfort level of the one in need as they take in the surroundings.
Another tip is to keep the language upbeat and the mood fun. We promote our community as a resort. When people get to the point they need additional care, that doesn't mean that all of a sudden their personality changes and they don't enjoy what they used to. By all means, they do still enjoy it, they just need a little help to continue to do so. You can also choose your terminology wisely. For instance, if you have noticed, I always use the term "community" instead of "facility." Or even "resort." The term "facility" elicits images of a cold and sterile environment, whereas "community" seems to be a more exclusive living situation, where only certain "members" are allowed. We also utilize the term "apartment" instead of "room."
Mom and Dad may still not be as open to the idea of moving to a community as you would like them to. So make sure to listen to their concerns. Be empathetic. Don't dismiss their thoughts. Address their fears. And be prepared to tour several communities in several different locations. You want to make sure that you find the one where they will feel most at home. Do the search together and set up the schedule together. Many communities will let you eat lunch so you can see their menu options. Make a date out of it. And let them know you will not force them to go somewhere that they don't like.
There is another type of talk that you may have to have with your parents, and it would be talking to one parent when the other is reaching a point they need to have more assistance than their spouse can provide. It's very hard when you have been married to someone for 50+ years and now you have to consider not waking up to them every morning. However, being a caregiver for someone has proven to play a toll on that person's health, and it may not always be beneficial to the one needing care. Again, be empathetic. You may need to do a bit of research to find facts to support your plight. Talk with a professional about the benefits. See if you can find a local agency who sponsors a support group. They may be able to connect you with someone who was in that position and could share their story and how it worked for them.
No matter what kind of talk you need to have, just know you are not alone. You are not the first one who has had to face this, and you will not be the last. It doesn't need to be a traumatic transition. You can help turn it into an amazing opportunity for your parents or loved one. And you can continue to be a part of their daily routine if it fits with your schedule. Think of it as just moving to a different home. One with 24/7 assistance when needed. No more cooking. No more washing dishes. Your parents will now be free to enjoy each other and activities instead of the tasks they had to worry about before. Senior living is a wonderful way to spend your glory days.
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